File Declared Documentus Heriticus I
by Brother Validus
Summary: Various drabbels that i and my brother have cowritten and posted at one time or anouther.
1. Chapter 1

The scene is behind the barracks on Cadia just after the final and decisive battle of Abbadons 14th black crusade.

There is a Space Marine with a spring and handle powered projector and lots of other Marines from various chapters staring up at the image on the wall with expressions of mild interest on their face.

Dark Angel1: pass the popped corn and let us consume our low nutrition snacks, brother Azaziel.

DA Azaziel: of course brother Jophiel, but in our folly we have forgotten to pop the popped corn. Woe are we, this sin of oversight shall never be forgiven.

Space Wolf: in row behind shut the feth up you depressing drell face! I don't want to miss the adverts!

DA Jophiel: hark unto the stupidity of our demented distant cousins, how they find pleasure in a time of filmage reserved for contemplation on thing yet to come. Such is their folly.

SW to next SW along: by all the gods of Fenris I hate these stupid transvestite monks!

DA Azaziel: what is thy meaning of these fiendish and derogatory names of which you insist on calling us?

SW: your wearing a dress.

DA Jophiel: these are not dresses. These are holy robes to show our devotion to the Immortal Emperor!

Second SW: hey girly, all I know is that I can see lace on yours and smell lavender. I'd actually put money on you wearing a thong under that armour.

DA Jophiel: Heresy!!! How dare you suggest that we, the Emperors most devout servants, would profane our blessed armour by the wearing of a woman's under-garments!!!

First SW: hey you're the one wearing a dress!! Now shut the feth up so I can watch the godspite film you miserable scrotum sucking crap stabber!!!!

Second SW: yeah you-

First SW: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

DA Jophiel: Foul- WHACK!

First SW: Next one of you to say a godspite word gets their ears ripped of. That goes for you too short arse!!! pointing to a Watcher In The Dark

The pre-film advertisements continue for the next couple of minuets un interrupted until suddenly - - CLONK. The sound of bone bouncing of the SW metal skull plate.

First SW: AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Black Dragon: sorry. It's really hard to eat popped corn with these mutant arm blades.

At the word mutant the Gray Knights an the back row start to twitch.

GK: KILL, PURGE, BURN!!!!

SW: ARRRRRRRR!!! rips the Gray Knights ears of Next one of you pathetic hypercritical self righteous retards speaks and its killing time!!!

Second SW: what film is this any way?

Projector Operator: it says on the box "The Fable Of The Black And White Space Marine And His Black And White Bike"

DA Jophiel: Nice sword. Hey what does that say on it 'If found please post to The Lion, Rock, Caliban.' Holy Freeking Fallen it Cypher!!

Watcher in the Dark: Aw wight, Guv.

SW: Would You Shut The Fu- CLONK!!!

Black Dragon: sorry. Popcorn again.

The ensuring brawl causes the two Dark Angels to be pounded into unconsciousness and Cypher to laugh at the DA's getting their asses kicked by a big hairy savage.

The scene is still the make shift cinema on the planet cadia. It has just got to the part where the Black And Whit Space Marine has just rescued the Commanders daughter from the chaos rebels

Space Wolf Rune Priest: Get your tits out, get your tits out, get your tits out for the lads, geeeeet yoooouur tits out for the lads!

First SW: If you don't shut the frell up right now I'm going to make you eat that wolf rug you have on your head!!!

SW RP: sorry. But you got to admit she's a real corker.

First SW: Would you shut up!!!

Second SW: besides, Space Marines aren't allowed to get jiggy with it. sad expresion

Cypher: speak for your self. Near terminally smug expression

Black Dragon: no wonder the Cross Dress Marines are after you then. For pity's sake don't let them catch you from behind.

Loud sound of braking machinery and the screen goes off.

Cypher: By Kime's proverbial Balls of Steel! Watch where you're walking!

Salamander: Sorry. Someone left a dodgy helmet in the road.

Watcher in the Dark: My precious. Gollum! Gollum!

Second SW: can any one else smell barbeque?

All look at the salamanders

Salamander: what?

First SW: what are you burning?

Salamander: Nothing. Honest.

Second SW: we all know your mob are a bunch of pyromaniacs.

Salamander: It's not us this time, its that dude over there with the picture of the burning birdy on his shoulder.

First SW: great steaming Kraken turds! Some one get a bucket of water!!

SW RP: no don't. I'm cooking a steak on him.

Flame Falcon: yeah I get half a steak out of this.

First SW: but for pity's sake stop using a power claw a steak prod.

SW RP: Feth off!

Second SW: could you please hold this bag of un-popped popcorn?

Cypher: nearly fixed it!

Every one rushes back to their seats.

SW RP: munch, munch, tear, chew, gristle crunch bone BURRRP!

Ultramarine: thou mayen- mustnen- myessent- gives up you are not allowed to eat steak at the cinema!

SW RP: Pike off! Uuumm, nice steak.

Ultramarine: this is treason!

SW RP: look you over grown pompous smurf wannabe what is your problem?

Ultramarine: only popped corn and rancid parasite infested hotdogs may be consumed at a gathering of people that have gathered to watch recreational filmage.

SW RP: and where in the nine hells does it say that pile of blarp?

Ultramarine: here in the most holy Codex Astrates. all present Ultramarines bow heads as a sign of respect

Second SW: isn't that the book we use to have in the bog at the Fang?

First SW: yeh. What happened to it?

Second SW: we ran out of bog roll.

All SW: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ultramarine: Die Foul Scum!!

SW RP: WAIT!

Ultramarine: what?!?!?!

SW RP: sign says no brawling in the cinema.

Ultramarine: I see no such pointless sign!

SW RP: Just there on the side of the Dreadnaught.

Ultramarine: the sign in the suspiciously still wet paint? Well if it is written down then it must be obeyed.

CLONK!

First SW: if you hit me with those sodding things again I'm gonna rip them of and shove them where the sun don't shine!!

Black Dragon: Nostramo?

First SW: What?

Black Dragon: the sun doesent shine there.

First SW: trust me I canfind a short cut!


	2. Cypher theory

The Watchers in the Dark are not the children of the lion, they are the 7 dwarves.

cypher is in fact the lion. the current Dark Angel chapter is descended from the traitors and the Lion/Cypher, having not got up to current affirs since he exited the warp, is currently on his way to Holy Terra to warn the Big-E about his legions screwed up loyalty.

The poor sod that they have in the Rock is in fact Snow White who is waiting for a kiss from the Big-E to awaken her after she pricked herself on a warp-tainted spinning wheel. (all that rubble from one little prick, sorry couldn't resist)

the fool on the throne is in fact Horus kept in perpetual agony of death as a last spiteful act of Rogal Dorn. The astronomican is his death cry and the custodeus are all his mortal descendants.

The Big-E and his one dependable son Vulkan are curently out looking for Russ. On their way they had to save a stupid girl in a red hood from the advances of a drunken and extremely hairy space wolf, so she is now trailing around after them. the Big-E is in fact still trying to find Mr Russ because he needs someone to help him get into the Rock to rescue Snow White.

Mr Russ is currently living on an agri-world in the very shadow of the Eye of Terror camping out in a forest and raiding the corrupt governors evil tax collector and returning all that was wrongfully taken back to the poor. he eventually found a depressed goth in a cave who turned out to be his long lost brother Corax who has spent the last ten millennia writing depressing poetry and trying to get his poem 'The Pigeon' (he was going to use The Raven, but couldn't afford the copyright) published.

And where do the 7 dwarves fit into this i hear you ask?

Well its a good thing you asked, because they are actually hiding in the rock from the three little pigs who they owe a lot of money to because of a home insurance policy that the three little pigs took out.

The houses of the three little pigs were in actual fact blown down by an angry Nicassar, who failed to blow down the third and eventually had to resort to using a Taklisman of Vaul that he had got of a Genie that he had freed from a lamp. (His other two wishes were for better engines on his ship and a cure for full body dandruff.)

I will write more one the sugar high wears off...


End file.
